I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
