I look better un-naked...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize