There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize