She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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