your thong is hanging out like whoa
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
