right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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