He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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