I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Is Oprah even human
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
