whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
