Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
