I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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