Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
