3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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