You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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