ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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