i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
