Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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