just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
