i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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