Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
