I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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