what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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