I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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