I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
