I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
