This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
