Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
