I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
