yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
