quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
