You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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