There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
