fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
