so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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