I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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