hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
either way he was missing a nipple.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
