Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
