Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize