I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
