Umm I'm too high to move.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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