I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
