My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
