He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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