Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
