I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize