pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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