I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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