Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I accidentally had phone sex last night
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
