You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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