Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
