rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
