i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
