gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
