i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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