If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize