On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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