my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
