If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
