but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
