So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
