Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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