That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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