Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
