So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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